I have been feeling blue lately and I thought I might share this roller coaster ride, as real and as raw as it gets.
Pregnancy is that incredible time of your life where you should be feeling on cloud nine and although I feel extremely happy and grateful for being so lucky and so loved, I am definitely not a big fan of feeling pregnant.
I was able to exercise on a daily basis just a few months ago and used the training as a way of both unwinding and somehow compensating for the extra love for food. I love food and I refused to place unnecessary conditions of counteracting it in an unhealthy way, it was like getting two treats all at once: a long run to relax after a challenging day at work and a delicious almond crust pizza to savour life.
Things have changed.
I feel concerned about putting on too much weight as the only thing I could keep down in the first months were carbs. Bread, pizza, pasta, fries, you name it. Just the thought of salad could make me sick to my stomach and feeling fatigued was not an incentive to work out as much as I would like.
This morning a blouse that I used to wear as back-up attire made me burst into tears. I was desperately trying to zip it up at the side and only then I realized the kind of humongous change my body is going through at the moment.
For months every morning I continued seeing myself as the usual me in the mirror and kept being in denial, thinking about the life that was growing inside of me, but avoiding the actual truth of my body molding itself into a different and unfamiliar shape.
When my boyfriend hugged me during my meltdown and tried to laugh it off, I felt incredibly guilty for wearing my emotions on my fingertips and the day just got worse and worse.